#10 Slow Loris
They are super cute (look at its tongue omg) and I wanna cuddle every single one BUT get ready for the fun fact: slow lorises are dangerous pets because they have poisonous elbows. That is definitely a fact. You can google it.
#9 Maned Wolf
I had an incredibly difficult time trying to decide my favourite kind of wolf but maned wolves are maybe the most novel because I look at pictures of grey wolves all the time (shut up). I don't know any cool facts about them but they don't hunt in packs and they are more like foxes than wolves and they are v. pretty and tall.
#8 Sea Otter
Sea otters are super cute and whiskery and another animal that I wanna cuddle. They hardly ever get out of the water so when they sleep they have to hold hands so they don't float away!!! They are super clever and can open shells by lying on their backs, putting a rock on their tummy and smashing open the shell and look and also look aaaah!!!
#7 Sun Bear
They have what National Geographic describes as a "comically long tongue" so I did some more googling and found this picture and I am 100% sure that I will never be sad again. They are usually a lot prettier than that and have really nice markings that apparently represent the rising sun. Sun bears are the tiniest bears and are only 2-3 ft tall, about half the size of black bears.
#6 Manatee
I am not v. knowledgeable on fun manatee facts BUT I do know that they can grow up to 15 ft long!! Before I found that out I imagined them to only be a bit bigger than seals but they are HUGE and I wanna touch their big silly droopy faces. Oh they can also move each side of their lips independently so they are good at grabbing stuff and now I wanna touch their faces even more.
#5 Flying Fox Bat
Look how flipping massive it is!! These bats have about a million different names and I don't know which one is right but anyway they are super great!! They can't do the squeaking and echoing thing that other bats do so they can't hunt at night but they have a 3 ft wingspan!! They are enormous that is basically the same as my wingspan, that is very exciting.
#4 Harpy Eagle
Harpy eagles are the best eagles for a lot of reasons. They have a 7 ft wingspan and claws longer than a grizzly bear's which they use to catch MONKEYS. As if a bird that eats monkeys isn't amazing enough, they were also the inspiration for Fawkes in the Harry Potter films which is cool but not as cool as a bird that can eat monkeys (also sloths and deer and pigs but MONKEYS!!!).
#3 Arctic Fox
Maybe this is just a list of animals I want to cuddle but arctic foxes are super beautiful, and they change colour completely for the summer which is v. clever and still super pretty. I like normal foxes too but arctic foxes are the best foxes, I think they are the most aesthetically pleasing animal in the whole world. Also the collective noun is a skulk which I like a lot. I want to kiss it on the nose.
#2 Tapir
I don't think I have ever wanted to cuddle anything as much as I want to cuddle every baby tapir. When they grow up they lose their stripes which I think is very sad but a fun fact about tapirs is that they are v. good swimmers and they use their little trunks as a snorkel. The collective noun for tapirs is a candle.
#1 Platypus
Platypi are a sort of jumble of every cool feature that an animal could have, like God's first draft. They sweat milk, use their beaks to detect electric pulses and they have enough poison in their back legs to kill a small dog. Also their babies are called puggles which is adorable and they are generally super super cool and therefore my #1 favourite animal!!!
Bottom 10 Animals
#10 Moth
I have had an apparently irrational fear of moths (I think it is totally rational) since for ever because they are disgusting and too fluttery and they have no concept of personal space. I think they are the animal that I hate most but they are only #10 because fun fact: there are several species of moths that live only on tears. It is kind of sweet and romantic but I am v. v. glad they do not live on MY tears because it would lead to one of those the-more-moths-the-more-tears-and-the-more-tears-the-more-moths situations that I'm sure there is a word for but I don't know it. Moths make me cry.
#9 Serval
Servals look like cats but broken. They are o.k I guess and some people keep them as pets because the babies are super cute, but when they grow up they are like a child's drawing of a cat with too-big ears and a too-long neck and they make my head feel funny. I want to squash them into proper cats or at least make their heads a bit bigger.
#8 Moose
It is hard to choose animals that I hate but I think mooses (meese?) are pretty scary because I naively assumed they were about the same size as horses because Zoo Tycoon misled me, but I found out recently that they can be up to 10 ft tall at the shoulder!! If I stood next to that moose I would only just reach its tummy.
#7 Vulture
Vultures are ugly so that is why they are on the Bad list but I do know a fun fact about vultures that I heard from Tom Waits: vultures eat so rarely that when they do eat, they have to eat as much as they can. However, they are also very light, so when they eat a lot it makes them too heavy to fly off, so after finally eating a meal after weeks and weeks, they then have to sick it up again so they can fly off before they get attacked. Most vultures that are killed are accidentally hit by cars while "dining". On a side note, Tom Waits is a total genius and he had a whole disc on his live album just of him telling facts.
#6 Marabou Stork
Marabou storks are basically everything bad about vultures but x1000. Fun facts and rage courtesy of Roisin: They are super ugly and have a "scab encrusted head" with only wispy hair so as to avoid getting "congealed blood" stuck to their heads. They are also called Undertaker Birds because they skulk around and look like they are wearing long black overcoats and are generally super creepy. Their legs look white but that is only because they are covered in poo and wee, they tried to kill Roisin and they EAT FLAMINGOS. Not even this amazing photo can redeem them from eating flamingos (or trying to kill Roisin).
#5 Cave Scutigera
I saw these on Deadly 60 and Steve Backshall let them walk all over his arms because he is the bravest man in the world but oh my god they are disgusting. They are about 3 inches long and have some sort of sting or bite but I can't stand to look on the website for long enough. I can feel them crawling all over my body.
#4 Angler Fish
I have spent a lot of time (I'm a serious blogger remember, I use punctuation and everything) trying to decide whether angler fish should be in the top 10 or the bottom 10 because they are super super cool but v. ugly. I decided that I am shallow and so they are in the bottom 10 but here are the reasons why they are super super cool: They light up. It has been explained to me about a million times how fish can light up but I still don't understand and I don't think I want to, it just seems so incredible and alien that I want it to remain that way. Fact #2: In order to mate, the lady angler fish fuses a male into her so that he is attached, and they continue to fuse until she completely absorbs him and leaves just his testicles latched on to her and she can do this with several males. Super weird and super COOL here is the national geographic article which explains it better than I do and also has a handy diagram to show the size of an angler fish relative to a teacup, v. useful!!
#3 Mosquito
I saw on QI that mosquitoes have killed more than half of the people who have ever lived and I have done a lot of googling but it all gets complicated so I am just going to believe Stephen Fry. As well as killing billions of people they are also really fucking annoying.
#2 American Badger
Look how shit American badgers are compared to our badgers, I am so smug. Badgers are the only thing that make me feel patriotic. I don't even have any cool facts about them because just look how shit they are!!!
#1 Wrinkle-Faced Bat
Literally the worst thing ever. I was sick in my mouth when I had to find a photo.
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Bottom 10 Animals
#10 Moth
I have had an apparently irrational fear of moths (I think it is totally rational) since for ever because they are disgusting and too fluttery and they have no concept of personal space. I think they are the animal that I hate most but they are only #10 because fun fact: there are several species of moths that live only on tears. It is kind of sweet and romantic but I am v. v. glad they do not live on MY tears because it would lead to one of those the-more-moths-the-more-tears-and-the-more-tears-the-more-moths situations that I'm sure there is a word for but I don't know it. Moths make me cry.
#9 Serval
Servals look like cats but broken. They are o.k I guess and some people keep them as pets because the babies are super cute, but when they grow up they are like a child's drawing of a cat with too-big ears and a too-long neck and they make my head feel funny. I want to squash them into proper cats or at least make their heads a bit bigger.
#8 Moose
It is hard to choose animals that I hate but I think mooses (meese?) are pretty scary because I naively assumed they were about the same size as horses because Zoo Tycoon misled me, but I found out recently that they can be up to 10 ft tall at the shoulder!! If I stood next to that moose I would only just reach its tummy.
#7 Vulture
Vultures are ugly so that is why they are on the Bad list but I do know a fun fact about vultures that I heard from Tom Waits: vultures eat so rarely that when they do eat, they have to eat as much as they can. However, they are also very light, so when they eat a lot it makes them too heavy to fly off, so after finally eating a meal after weeks and weeks, they then have to sick it up again so they can fly off before they get attacked. Most vultures that are killed are accidentally hit by cars while "dining". On a side note, Tom Waits is a total genius and he had a whole disc on his live album just of him telling facts.
#6 Marabou Stork
Marabou storks are basically everything bad about vultures but x1000. Fun facts and rage courtesy of Roisin: They are super ugly and have a "scab encrusted head" with only wispy hair so as to avoid getting "congealed blood" stuck to their heads. They are also called Undertaker Birds because they skulk around and look like they are wearing long black overcoats and are generally super creepy. Their legs look white but that is only because they are covered in poo and wee, they tried to kill Roisin and they EAT FLAMINGOS. Not even this amazing photo can redeem them from eating flamingos (or trying to kill Roisin).
#5 Cave Scutigera
I saw these on Deadly 60 and Steve Backshall let them walk all over his arms because he is the bravest man in the world but oh my god they are disgusting. They are about 3 inches long and have some sort of sting or bite but I can't stand to look on the website for long enough. I can feel them crawling all over my body.
#4 Angler Fish
I have spent a lot of time (I'm a serious blogger remember, I use punctuation and everything) trying to decide whether angler fish should be in the top 10 or the bottom 10 because they are super super cool but v. ugly. I decided that I am shallow and so they are in the bottom 10 but here are the reasons why they are super super cool: They light up. It has been explained to me about a million times how fish can light up but I still don't understand and I don't think I want to, it just seems so incredible and alien that I want it to remain that way. Fact #2: In order to mate, the lady angler fish fuses a male into her so that he is attached, and they continue to fuse until she completely absorbs him and leaves just his testicles latched on to her and she can do this with several males. Super weird and super COOL here is the national geographic article which explains it better than I do and also has a handy diagram to show the size of an angler fish relative to a teacup, v. useful!!
#3 Mosquito
I saw on QI that mosquitoes have killed more than half of the people who have ever lived and I have done a lot of googling but it all gets complicated so I am just going to believe Stephen Fry. As well as killing billions of people they are also really fucking annoying.
#2 American Badger
Look how shit American badgers are compared to our badgers, I am so smug. Badgers are the only thing that make me feel patriotic. I don't even have any cool facts about them because just look how shit they are!!!
#1 Wrinkle-Faced Bat
Literally the worst thing ever. I was sick in my mouth when I had to find a photo.
Sooooo good. Also: Manatees when they squish their faces on windows. Also begula whales. AND HEDGEHOGS!!! xxxx
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